September 21, 2011

Thoughts on endings

"Endings are never easy; I always build them up so much in my head they cant possibly live up to my expectations, and I just end up disappointed"

This is the quote of Dr. John Dorian (JD) from Scrubs in the last episode of the series. Scrubs was the story of an over-grown man-child who - in the entire series - craved for the love and approval from his work-mates.

A close friend mentioned to me last week that I lack an 'office face'. I am the same person whether I am at office or at home. The following weekend, I happened to watch few episodes of Scrubs the following weekend. And just like a jigsaw puzzle, the pieces fit together. For some reason, I identified myself with JD. It seemed as if I have unknowingly modeled myself after him. The day-dreaming, the ability to make friends, the unending desire to make people like me, the characteristic of not looking serious.

This particular video tells about JD's thoughts when he leaves his beloved workplace after eight long years. I wondered if I had felt the same when I left my previous 'homes'.

We had our school send-off in March. It was a couple of weeks before the board exams and the endless stream of entrance exams after that. The school send-off was a blur. I remember not feeling sentimental at all. To some extent, I was waiting for the day when I would leave school. I was confident about having better things to look forward to. I wasn't wrong. While I did lose touch with a lot of school friends, I made as many new ones at IIT. The crowd was different, but equally friendly and loving. Did I know that I would love IIT when I left school? No. Did I know I would even be in IIT when I left school? No. But that didn't stop me from loving the thought of leaving school. I guess there was a certain fascination for the unknown.

My family shifted from Alibag to Mumbai just two days after my board exams. Again, the send-off was a blur. I literally helped mom and dad get all the bags into the new house and left for my coaching class. There was no time to say goodbyes. The lack of goodbyes did not seem to matter to me. I was perfectly able to move on with life without any hiccup. (As I write this, I cannot help but think of another friend's comment on me, "You are heart-less and emotion-less").

Then came the time to leave IIT. This was one story that did not went as per plan. I ended up leaving it later than I was supposed to. The extra time spent in the institute only made me want to leave the place as soon as possible. It was a disturbing time. I did not trust my own judgement and that feeling scared the hell out of me. In all life-changing situations, I have managed to go though them unscathed only because I believed in myself, in my instinct, in my judgement. But this was a period that I wasn't sure of what I was doing. I was entirely dependent upon friends/mentors. The situation got to me towards the end. It was unbearable and for the first time ever, I was counting days, hours, minutes to leaving Chennai. There was an itching to leave the city, the institute, the place which ruined five years of priceless memories with six months of wretchedness.

Just like leaving school, I ended up losing touch with a lot of friends. Just like leaving school, I ended up making a lot of new ones. Things fell into place very well. Change was for the better, no doubt.

JD says in the video "And even though it felt warm and safe, I knew it had to end. Its never good to live in the past too long." I never felt warm and safe when it was upon me that I was going to leave the place. It was always a point of no return. Every time, the decision to leave was made a while back and there was no U-turn. This particular thought removed the warmth and safety of the place. It is probably this that makes me look forward to the uncertain future and forget about the wonderful past.

Will there be a time when I leave this place? Perhaps, perhaps not. But what I do know is that if and when that day comes, it will come because something better is in store for me. How do I know this? I don't. But I am programmed to think that way. I have always looked forward to change, and I don't plan on changing that. I will leave you with the rest of the monologue by JD.

"Endings are never easy; I always build them up so much in my head they cant possibly live up to my expectations, and I just end up disappointed. Im not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end here
I guess its because we all want to believe that what we do is very important, that people hang onto our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is: you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better. After that its all about the people that you let into your life.."

1 comment:

Aniket said...

"ruined five years of priceless memories with six months of wretchedness"

Couldn't agree more.